Off through the new day’s mist I run

•March 22, 2009 • 13 Comments

The fall out of anything is in the pieces. In the ashes. In the dust. In the carnage.

I found myself in the wreck. Did I find God? maybe I did.

Yesterday had weird turn of events. I experienced something I wish many women don’t. Maybe they do. Thousands of them. And I was confused with one of them. Mind blasting!

That experience has made me run. Run like a mad dog was chasing me. It has made me strong yet… The poison administered was very bitter.

That and the fact that I was ill last night made me think about my life. I wasn’t sure I would survive the night. I had too many different drinks and they reacted. Also I was crying for one hr and pushing my bike on MG Road and fixing a flat for 2 hrs, which added to the exhaustion and dehydration.

I had turned into a complete junkie.  I was running away from so many things. If only I weren’t scared of breaking the ceiling fan I would have hung myself in shame of last night’s events. And maybe this life isn’t meant for me… Maybe I should really join the church. Or an ashram. Where ever there are clean toilets! Hmm.. an inappropriate joke.

So I sat all night trying to throw up the fatal combo of vodka, kahlua, strawberry and what not. Also to throw up the bitter taste of the trauma. Well the three finger exercise did help in regurgitating the food but not my shame. I prayed that if I survived last night I would never touch alcohol again. And I intend to stick to it.

And thus I sit this morning, not sure which way to go.

Do I join the church?

Do I join an ashram?

Do I make other cosmetic changes like 1. Wearing only salwars 2. Never leave home – it would be a bermuda triangle of Home, Office and classes

As a first step, I am closing this blog. This will be my last post. I know I love w(h)ine, but not this much!

I maybe around. Like a lost poltergeist. You may find me. Look in the parlour.

I’d like to thank the following people for being a part of my journey. Guitar dude, Big N (Baby, I told you I’d be all right), Vee (for trying to put some sense into my head), Harish (you almost saved me from that guy), Anoop (the supposed pavam! thanks buddy for all those flowers. And thanks for being someone I can count on), Chackochi (for blasting me everytime I get drunk), Jas (for the talks which start with a pained look of disgust – Tia what do you wanna do? What do you want to achieve?), Phoenikhs (for helping me feel good about myself), Tys (for the long fatherly talks on life. You’ll make the coolest dad for Riyah and Rishi),  Sandeep (for reading my blog!) and my life long blog soulmates – Ancientmariner and Saphire.

A final thought:

and the earth becomes my throne
I adapt to the unknown
Under wandering stars Ive grown
By myself but not alone
I ask no one

…and my ties are severed clean
The less I have the more I gain
Off the beaten path I reign

– Metallica, Where ever I may roam

So gone

•March 18, 2009 • 1 Comment

It hurt. So bad.

But her head pounded. She couldn’t remember what she was supposed to be doing, everything was a daze. She had lost something, and feeling of loss was so immense she couldn’t breathe.

She did her thing. Went to the ladies room to fix herself. Could she ever fix herself she wondered. Wasn’t he the one who fixed her? Didn’t she trust him enough to show him her fears? When she felt 5 instead of 25 and was facing fears she couldn’t understand.

She ran into the bathroom stall and clutched the wall as she cried. All she could mutter was “I love you”, like it was some prayer that would save her from the pain.

She applied Kajal. Her eyes had lost their sheen. But she shouldn’t let her pain stop her. It did, but she shouldn’t. Ideally.

She stepped out like a drunken man with dutch courage. I’ll be all right, she told herself.

She didn’t believe the lie.

Random lines

•March 17, 2009 • 1 Comment

The final goodbyes
the liars
their faces
smeared in sand

see you watching
feeling
what I am feeling
Kneeling
to see where I hit the ground

Pain enjoyed in tandem
thoughts amazingly random
laughing while they cut me
tasting me where they hurt me

I can’t stand to fly

•March 17, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Know what? Maybe… just maybe it takes something inhuman to love me.  Like a Vampire with his promise of immortal love or a Superman who can actually chose me over saving the world.

I am very hard to please. I have no idea why that is. Maybe because I am so satisfied with my illusions, that I sniff reality and I sneeze.

Meanwhile I seem to love this song now – Sex on Fire by King of Leon. The lyrics aren’t great, but the music and guitaring is amazing. Get AC/DC or Led Zep to write lyrics for the same music and you have a hit on your hands.

Breathe

•March 14, 2009 • Leave a Comment

To the harshest critic (a.k.a frienit 😉 ) of my blog, who calls my blog a space for self indulgence.

This has to be the best accoustic version of Michelle Branch’s Breathe.

I’ve been driving for an hour
Just talking to the rain
You say I’ve been driving you crazy
and its keeping you away
So just give me one good reason
Tell me why I should stay
‘Cause I dont wanna waste another moment
in saying things we never meant to say

And I Take it just a little bit
I, hold my breath and count to ten
I, I’ve been waiting for a chance to let you in

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I’ll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You’ll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe

Well it’s all so overrated
In not saying how you feel
So you end up watching chances fade
And wondering what’s real

And I Give you just a little time
I, Wonder if you realize
I’ve been waiting till I see it in your eyes

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I’ll know everything is alright
Breathe,
Every little piece of me
You’ll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe
Breathe

So I whisper in the dark,
Hoping you hear me
Do you hear me?

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I’ll know everything is alright
Breathe,
Every little piece of me
You’ll see
Everything is alright
Everything is alright if i just breathe… breathe

I’ve been driving for an hour
Just talking to the rain

Album Updates

•March 13, 2009 • 2 Comments

So Q3, Q4 ’08 was good.

Metallica released their latest album “Death Magnetic” and Guns ‘n’ Roses relseased their first album after 15 years – “Chinese Democracy”

So far Death Magnetic has been okay. Kinda liked That Was Just Your Life and Broken Beat Scarred. Of course you can’t compare any of the subsequent albums with the quality of songs in the Black Album. But if you are ready to listen to it with an open mind and, well, are very loyal to Metallica you might just like it. It has strains of music or riffs quite similar to few songs in the Black Album, but is also very different from the Black Album. Unforgiven 3?? Really??? I think they should have just left it at Unforgiven 2. But I unforgiven 3 comes close to the original Black Album sound.

Chinese Democracy..what can I say, Guns ‘n’ Roses without Slash is a faded rose. I think you need to divide G n R history into Slash era and Non Slash era. The songs in Chinese Democracy have lost their rock edge and aren’t…as raw as they where as in Use your Illusion.  I liked songs like Better and If the world. Nice to hear Axl Rose’s voice again.

Ask and you shall receive

•March 11, 2009 • 1 Comment

Sometimes all  you need to do is ask….