The fall out of anything is in the pieces. In the ashes. In the dust. In the carnage.
I found myself in the wreck. Did I find God? maybe I did.
Yesterday had weird turn of events. I experienced something I wish many women don’t. Maybe they do. Thousands of them. And I was confused with one of them. Mind blasting!
That experience has made me run. Run like a mad dog was chasing me. It has made me strong yet… The poison administered was very bitter.
That and the fact that I was ill last night made me think about my life. I wasn’t sure I would survive the night. I had too many different drinks and they reacted. Also I was crying for one hr and pushing my bike on MG Road and fixing a flat for 2 hrs, which added to the exhaustion and dehydration.
I had turned into a complete junkie. I was running away from so many things. If only I weren’t scared of breaking the ceiling fan I would have hung myself in shame of last night’s events. And maybe this life isn’t meant for me… Maybe I should really join the church. Or an ashram. Where ever there are clean toilets! Hmm.. an inappropriate joke.
So I sat all night trying to throw up the fatal combo of vodka, kahlua, strawberry and what not. Also to throw up the bitter taste of the trauma. Well the three finger exercise did help in regurgitating the food but not my shame. I prayed that if I survived last night I would never touch alcohol again. And I intend to stick to it.
And thus I sit this morning, not sure which way to go.
Do I join the church?
Do I join an ashram?
Do I make other cosmetic changes like 1. Wearing only salwars 2. Never leave home – it would be a bermuda triangle of Home, Office and classes
As a first step, I am closing this blog. This will be my last post. I know I love w(h)ine, but not this much!
I maybe around. Like a lost poltergeist. You may find me. Look in the parlour.
I’d like to thank the following people for being a part of my journey. Guitar dude, Big N (Baby, I told you I’d be all right), Vee (for trying to put some sense into my head), Harish (you almost saved me from that guy), Anoop (the supposed pavam! thanks buddy for all those flowers. And thanks for being someone I can count on), Chackochi (for blasting me everytime I get drunk), Jas (for the talks which start with a pained look of disgust – Tia what do you wanna do? What do you want to achieve?), Phoenikhs (for helping me feel good about myself), Tys (for the long fatherly talks on life. You’ll make the coolest dad for Riyah and Rishi), Sandeep (for reading my blog!) and my life long blog soulmates – Ancientmariner and Saphire.
A final thought:
and the earth becomes my throne
I adapt to the unknown
Under wandering stars Ive grown
By myself but not alone
I ask no one
…and my ties are severed clean
The less I have the more I gain
Off the beaten path I reign
– Metallica, Where ever I may roam