The Writers Block

Again

She couldn’t believe her eyes. It was him. After so long! And here? What was he doing in New York? She thought he was in Texas. She wanted to go up and say Hi to him. Would he remember? Would he want to acknowledge? Did he still like her?

She decided to take the chance.

She walked up to the man in a grey sweatshirt and Blue Jeans. She tapped on his shoulder.

‘Hi’ she said. ‘I am not sure you remember me. I met you a long time ago at Natasha’s party. The four of us had dinner…Natasha, Vikas, you and I?’

He didn’t seem to remember. ‘I was working in Smithsons?’

‘Oh yeah! I remember you now!’ He said

She smiled.’ Yeah I heard you had moved to Texas. Never thought I’d bump into you here in NY.’

‘Yeah I just moved 3 months ago.’

‘Oh really? Nice..’

A pause.

‘Where are you working now?’ She asked

‘IBM’ he said.

‘Oh, nice.’

A pause. ‘What about you?’

‘I am now working from home for an Ad agency.’

‘Wow that is quite a change from Marketing’.

‘Yeah that’s the job I got after moving here with my husband.’

‘Oh..you got married?’

‘Yeah…you?’

‘Nope..but I am seeing someone.’

‘Oh nice!’

‘Wow its been a while huh?’

‘Yeah he said. So hows Natasha doing?’

‘She’s doing good. She just had a baby a sweet lil girl’

‘And what about Vikas?’

‘Well I have no idea actually I have lost touch with him’

And they spoke about all the friends they had in common.

They exchanged numbers and left.

She went home and dumped the groceries. Sid would be coming home any minute. She quickly reheated the lunch leftovers. She stood near the microwave and thought about Adi. Oh man it was so long ago. Feels like an eternity it was 4 years ago.

The next day she was working when she was pinged by Adi on AOL. They chatted for four hours. She felt so good after chatting with him. They ended the chat when she had to go and cook dinner for Sid.

They slowly started meeting for coffee and then lunches.

She wasn’t sure where this was going. She was still in love with him. He seemed to be in love with her too. She couldn’t leave Sid. She wasn’t in love with Sid, theirs was an arranged marriage forced upon her, but she was happy with. Well not completely happy, but she had nothing to complain. But Adi…Adi was so different. She was so happy with him.

Well anyway there was nothing she could do. He was dating Angela.

—-

Two weeks later, one evening, as she was cooking dinner she heard the doorbell ring. It was Adi. She let him in, he was visibly shaken. She was alarmed, ‘what is it? Are you okay?’ She asked.

‘Yeah..I think I broke up with Angie.’

‘What??Why??’

‘Well I don’t know. I just…I can’t be with her. I am not happy with her.’

‘When did that happen? I thought things were great between you guys.’

‘It was. But things changed lately.’

Her heart skipped a beat.

‘Let me get you some coffee,’ she said.

She poured the coffee in a mug and turned around. He was standing there, in her kitchen.

‘Are you happy?’ He asked

‘Yes…yes I am…’

‘Really?’ He persisted.

She couldn’t look him in the eye.

‘I..I know this is inappropriate, but I still have feelings for you..’

‘What?? She said. This is…VERY inappropriate…I mean I am married’

‘But I love you..and I know you do too…and…I think I am asking for another chance..we are so perfect together’

‘What if it does work out? What would you want me to do, divorce my husband?’

‘Let’s see if it does.’

‘I am sorry that is neither here nor there.’

He took her in his arms and kissed her.’ Now do you doubt it?’

‘I don’t know..I don’t know…this is all confusing…oh god…’

‘Think about it and tell me.’

He left the coffee on the table and left.

—

She knocked on his door. He opened it. She stepped in.

True Colors

I am so late. If it weren’t for the stupid mail…ooof I hope the cab guy waits.

She stepped into the elevator, as she tried making a call. Dang I there is no network in this elevator. I hope I hope I don’t miss the cab. She heard someone’s phone ring. ‘you with the sad eyes, don’t be discouraged, oh I realized..this world makes you crazy and you’ve taken all you can bear’ – the ringtone was true colors by Phil Collins.

She smiled a sad smile. She thought of him. It was so hard to handle the fact that they were not together. She remembered everything – his half awake eyes, his sense of humor, the fact that he sometimes caught her when she fell but also drove her up the wall at other times.

Man that elevator ride seemed to take forever. Oh god and now it’s raining.

She held her hand bag close and made a dash for the parking lot. She ran out of the building. The vans were leaving the parking lot and she looked around for her van.

That’s when she saw him.

She couldn’t believe her eyes. It was him. All wet and standing in the rain, looking more like a little boy that he sometimes he acted like. She always wanted a son who’d look like him. A precocious one.

And now he was in front of her. Her breath caught in her throat. She went closer. She wanted to hug him but she held back. She was close to tears but she didn’t want to cry.

They stood staring at each other for 5 mins before he said ‘hi’. She could feel the tension between them. Her hair flew in the wind as she tried to hold it down.

Her eyes teared up ‘hi’, she said.

‘How are you?’ he asked her

‘Been okay, been good…been okay..you?’

‘I missed you’, he said

‘I missed you too’, she said. He hugged her.

The van driver used the horn to catch her attention, but she was so caught up in her emotions.

She looked up at him for a cue. She seemed to ask him – do I leave?

He said: ‘Why don’t I drop you home, lets get some coffee. I wanna talk to you.’

She waved to tell them she wasn’t coming.

They held hands as they walked up to the Coffee Day. She was hopeful. Maybe things would be different. She decided she would ask him to marry her. Clearly he still loved her.

They sat and ordered hot cups of coffee. She took his hand and in hers and placed her head on his shoulder. He smiled at her.

‘Mmm this is nice’, she said.

‘I know. I’ve missed this’, he said.

The Coffee came and he went to use the rest room. ‘This is it.’ she thought. ‘Now or never. If he says yes, I’d be delighted if not I can jump of Nandi hills!’

He came and sat next to her. He added sugar in his coffee and said as he stirred: ‘I need to talk to you.’

‘Yeah me too’ She said

‘Let me say it before I lose my courage’, he said

He took her hand in his and looked in her eyes and said: ‘I don’t know how to say this…I am getting married.’

‘Oh’ she said. ‘Oh Okay…’

‘I am so sorry. My parents decided I should get married to this girl….’ She held her breath as he described the one he was in love with.

She had tears in her eyes.

He looked at her and asked – why are you crying?

She said: because I am so happy! I am so happy for you..and she hugged him as she thought – I wish you thought of me the same way…

You

The unbearable likeness
Of all I ever had in mind.

You,
Watched me smile
Watched me deny
My untrustworthy self of your affection.

You,
Walked away from me
Leaving me behind
in this vaccuum of time.

You,
I believe will return
Cos I Know that you know
How difficult it is
My present incomplete world.

Overwhelmed

Where do you run
when the world feels too big?
Where do you hide
When the day seems too long?
Overwhelmed.

She has him
I have a lie.
Overwhelmed.

Scared of shadows,
scared of light
scared of the dark,
scared of your might,
Overhwhelmed.

New Year

The year ends
in sublime pain
this etherised moment a pleasure.

dark, you think
I am
darkest grey i believe.

i call out a warning
for all to hear
all they see
is a light disappear.

New Year,New me….

The Auto Ride

Man im so tired. Oh btw i do really want those darn cute slippers i saw in cosmo.

Hmm kno wat maybe i do wanna work in cosmo. But i wanna b the chief-editor. But how can i b the chief editor unless i start as a sub editor. I hate subbing. i hate laying out pages. But hmm if thats the only way…..

Now where is this idiot of an autodriver taking me? Oh ok yeah you can go this way too.

Man bangalore is getting too congested. Hmm but this is where i was born, i still love it. Darn pesky kids in the bus. Hee hee… what fun i had in the school bus when i was in school!Eating our leftover lunch in the evenin in the bus.bitching about teachers….

The auto stopped at a signal.

Hmm nice silver merc benz. And a cute guy driving it. Hey there benz cutie! What is wrong with me! When did i get so flirty and girly??

She smiled a slow smile little realising the guy on the bike next to the auto was watching her…

She saw a girl standing on the sidewalk in an uniform she recognised. Oh man my school still hasn changed those tacky sports uniforms…they really hav to do something bout em….they look ridiculous.

She ran her hands thru her hair, as if combing it wit her hands and turned to the rite… oh my god is that the DC guyin the car next to the auto!The DC lecturer?!hmm im not sure. But i dont think i wanna talk to him or acknowledge him…its a weird…almost dicey situation.

Hee hee wat wud the fathers in that college have thot if they saw me reading cosmo in their college…hee hee…they wudve been scandalised!hee hee…

Do i have change for the fare?

Upside down world

Upside down is my world
like a shadow at noon
hush!ive been told
bear it in silence
it’ll b over soon.

Another day

Just another day

Mmmm i really need this nap,im so tired. Wonder whether im becoming lazy…maybe thats y i like to sleep. Man i really need a whole day of sex to jus wash away all the sadness and regrets and laziness….and i am a virgin!she chuckled at the irony.jus like her to say something so impulsive…
Darn riots in the city…but bcos of that i atleast get to sleep now. Hmm i shuda jus moved to the hostel wudve bee easier….hmm IMBI hostel wudve been nice….i wudve enjoyed that better than this hostel. wouldve been able to Regrets…ive learned to live with them.

Oh i hav to work out at six,but before that i hav a craving for chaat, some paapdi chaat..hmm but i hav to convince mum to come wit me and she wont bcos of the trouble in the city. well ill convince her…

but we missed out on watchin thelma and louise in coll…hee hee, maybe angie and i should go on a trip like that, she cud leave the kids wit david, let him look after them for once… itll b so much fun!!

and i…mmm…. (falls asleep)

Journey

worn out dreams
no ecstasy
but heres a path im given
whose end i do not c.

Scared of the dark
no joy in the journey
holding tighter to myself
wher did i take the wrong turn?

Asleep

deep slumber
mared reality
which world is this?i cannot identify
but dont wake me up
i have a final dance with the sandman
disguised as the hangman