Off through the new day’s mist I run

The fall out of anything is in the pieces. In the ashes. In the dust. In the carnage.

I found myself in the wreck. Did I find God? maybe I did.

Yesterday had weird turn of events. I experienced something I wish many women don’t. Maybe they do. Thousands of them. And I was confused with one of them. Mind blasting!

That experience has made me run. Run like a mad dog was chasing me. It has made me strong yet… The poison administered was very bitter.

That and the fact that I was ill last night made me think about my life. I wasn’t sure I would survive the night. I had too many different drinks and they reacted. Also I was crying for one hr and pushing my bike on MG Road and fixing a flat for 2 hrs, which added to the exhaustion and dehydration.

I had turned into a complete junkie.  I was running away from so many things. If only I weren’t scared of breaking the ceiling fan I would have hung myself in shame of last night’s events. And maybe this life isn’t meant for me… Maybe I should really join the church. Or an ashram. Where ever there are clean toilets! Hmm.. an inappropriate joke.

So I sat all night trying to throw up the fatal combo of vodka, kahlua, strawberry and what not. Also to throw up the bitter taste of the trauma. Well the three finger exercise did help in regurgitating the food but not my shame. I prayed that if I survived last night I would never touch alcohol again. And I intend to stick to it.

And thus I sit this morning, not sure which way to go.

Do I join the church?

Do I join an ashram?

Do I make other cosmetic changes like 1. Wearing only salwars 2. Never leave home – it would be a bermuda triangle of Home, Office and classes

As a first step, I am closing this blog. This will be my last post. I know I love w(h)ine, but not this much!

I maybe around. Like a lost poltergeist. You may find me. Look in the parlour.

I’d like to thank the following people for being a part of my journey. Guitar dude, Big N (Baby, I told you I’d be all right), Vee (for trying to put some sense into my head), Harish (you almost saved me from that guy), Anoop (the supposed pavam! thanks buddy for all those flowers. And thanks for being someone I can count on), Chackochi (for blasting me everytime I get drunk), Jas (for the talks which start with a pained look of disgust – Tia what do you wanna do? What do you want to achieve?), Phoenikhs (for helping me feel good about myself), Tys (for the long fatherly talks on life. You’ll make the coolest dad for Riyah and Rishi),  Sandeep (for reading my blog!) and my life long blog soulmates – Ancientmariner and Saphire.

A final thought:

and the earth becomes my throne
I adapt to the unknown
Under wandering stars Ive grown
By myself but not alone
I ask no one

…and my ties are severed clean
The less I have the more I gain
Off the beaten path I reign

– Metallica, Where ever I may roam

So gone

It hurt. So bad.

But her head pounded. She couldn’t remember what she was supposed to be doing, everything was a daze. She had lost something, and feeling of loss was so immense she couldn’t breathe.

She did her thing. Went to the ladies room to fix herself. Could she ever fix herself she wondered. Wasn’t he the one who fixed her? Didn’t she trust him enough to show him her fears? When she felt 5 instead of 25 and was facing fears she couldn’t understand.

She ran into the bathroom stall and clutched the wall as she cried. All she could mutter was “I love you”, like it was some prayer that would save her from the pain.

She applied Kajal. Her eyes had lost their sheen. But she shouldn’t let her pain stop her. It did, but she shouldn’t. Ideally.

She stepped out like a drunken man with dutch courage. I’ll be all right, she told herself.

She didn’t believe the lie.

Random lines

The final goodbyes
the liars
their faces
smeared in sand

see you watching
feeling
what I am feeling
Kneeling
to see where I hit the ground

Pain enjoyed in tandem
thoughts amazingly random
laughing while they cut me
tasting me where they hurt me

I can’t stand to fly

Know what? Maybe… just maybe it takes something inhuman to love me.  Like a Vampire with his promise of immortal love or a Superman who can actually chose me over saving the world.

I am very hard to please. I have no idea why that is. Maybe because I am so satisfied with my illusions, that I sniff reality and I sneeze.

Meanwhile I seem to love this song now – Sex on Fire by King of Leon. The lyrics aren’t great, but the music and guitaring is amazing. Get AC/DC or Led Zep to write lyrics for the same music and you have a hit on your hands.

Breathe

To the harshest critic (a.k.a frienit 😉 ) of my blog, who calls my blog a space for self indulgence.

This has to be the best accoustic version of Michelle Branch’s Breathe.

I’ve been driving for an hour
Just talking to the rain
You say I’ve been driving you crazy
and its keeping you away
So just give me one good reason
Tell me why I should stay
‘Cause I dont wanna waste another moment
in saying things we never meant to say

And I Take it just a little bit
I, hold my breath and count to ten
I, I’ve been waiting for a chance to let you in

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I’ll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You’ll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe

Well it’s all so overrated
In not saying how you feel
So you end up watching chances fade
And wondering what’s real

And I Give you just a little time
I, Wonder if you realize
I’ve been waiting till I see it in your eyes

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I’ll know everything is alright
Breathe,
Every little piece of me
You’ll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe
Breathe

So I whisper in the dark,
Hoping you hear me
Do you hear me?

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I’ll know everything is alright
Breathe,
Every little piece of me
You’ll see
Everything is alright
Everything is alright if i just breathe… breathe

I’ve been driving for an hour
Just talking to the rain

Album Updates

So Q3, Q4 ’08 was good.

Metallica released their latest album “Death Magnetic” and Guns ‘n’ Roses relseased their first album after 15 years – “Chinese Democracy”

So far Death Magnetic has been okay. Kinda liked That Was Just Your Life and Broken Beat Scarred. Of course you can’t compare any of the subsequent albums with the quality of songs in the Black Album. But if you are ready to listen to it with an open mind and, well, are very loyal to Metallica you might just like it. It has strains of music or riffs quite similar to few songs in the Black Album, but is also very different from the Black Album. Unforgiven 3?? Really??? I think they should have just left it at Unforgiven 2. But I unforgiven 3 comes close to the original Black Album sound.

Chinese Democracy..what can I say, Guns ‘n’ Roses without Slash is a faded rose. I think you need to divide G n R history into Slash era and Non Slash era. The songs in Chinese Democracy have lost their rock edge and aren’t…as raw as they where as in Use your Illusion.  I liked songs like Better and If the world. Nice to hear Axl Rose’s voice again.

Ask and you shall receive

Sometimes all  you need to do is ask….

Things have a way of working out

Very rarely in my life, things have fallen into place, like a whole jigsaw thrown up into air, and a certain piece falling exactly into place with another. I read about it in Mulk Raj Anand’s book with the same name – Things have a way of working out, and now it all makes sense to me.

But some things have a way of wotking out *chuckle*

My friend and I used to discuss random things. And he happened to say that he liked women in olive green saris. And I kept wondering why. And then I recently figured something out that made me go like – Oh! That’s why…. Some broken hearts can never mend.

I kept whining about everything in life. And now I have finally decided to take up art of living course. I am hoping to attend it this Friday. I have never had faith in godmen. I have always declared that all philosophy and self help is stuff you already knew by instinct. But then… sometimes maybe a refresher course isn’t a bad idea for someone who has lost life’s lulling illusions – illusions of humans, illusions of all that you can’t take and illusions of all that you take with you.

God does make a fantastic suspense novel doesn’t he?

Life is a box of chocolates? Who are you, Willie Wonka??

I have become such a stranger to social networking websites. I haven’t checked my orkut and FB profile in ages. The browser refuses to acknowledge me.

I used to love making friends. Well, I used to be stupid too.

And then you meet people who are suspicious of you, and you are suspicious of people and everyday becomes a fight. When you step out onto the streets  you are fighting the traffic and idiots who can’t drive a car. In office, you are fighting to keep your job and keep up to the expectation. At home, you are fighting because everything and everybody is too familiar.

So when do you stop fighting? Sorry to sound morbid, but that happens only when you die.

And we try to run away from the obvious. You try to fall in love. As someone said: Life is a bitch. It’s only Love and Antiquity that makes it bearable.

And during all this I was slapped in my face by an epiphany: My role in life is to help people move on. People whose hearts have been crushed. Just call me Sweet January.

I am not meant to fall in love. I have failed at every try. Instead, I was meant to help others find it. Help others heal when they are crushed by love and given up.

Socio – path?

I have decided to turn non-social. I seem to prefer solitary confinement these days.

As  Niles says in one of the episodes of Frasier:

Frasier: By the way, where’s Maris? I haven’t seen her all night.

Niles: She’s on your bed.

Frasier: My bed?

Niles: Yes, she’s asleep under the guests’ coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

I think I make a lesser fool of myself when I don’t interact with people. I think interacting with people makes me feel foolish! Also human beings don’t interest me any more.

I never understood what the fuss was about when people spoke about movies like Instinct or Born free. Now I do. I am actually tired of all human beings. Maybe the only perfection you find is in God. But he can’t understood. Not by human mind. Thus he’s not perfect too.

So far I have found perfection in only one thing – Babies. They are so perfect. Never mind they poop a lot and cry a lot. But…they aren’t very unpredictable. There is a limited combination of behaviors that babies can have….unless they are possessed, of course.

So that’s it. I have renounced my social life! I feel damn good about myself when I am with myself.

On a very different, non psycho/whiny note:

Here’s wishing Gaurav Vaz and his new band Allegro Fudge the very best on their debut gig. The debut gig is at Opus, Bangalore from 2 – 4 pm,  Sunday,  1st March.